FFVII - Sleeping Arrangements - Faltering Dreams 1/4

[raaj]

Finally finished this scene, which is supposed to be like part 1 of 4 for the "conclusion" of Sleeping Arrangements. ...Um, considering the length of other pieces so far, that might be a bit long for an ending--mostly keep thinking of it as one overall piece because even though it's four scenes, I wanted to focus on Tifa's POV and her fears to link things together as everything goes to pieces (...last scene has her being stabbed to go to the one who didn't die, yep).

Not sure if I'm quite on target with her fears here though, I admit I've had writer's block/similar frustration on this and various other projects for so long that I just SHOVED through it tonight. Also need to go back and figure out more scenes to flesh out the overall "Sleeping Arrangements" more, figure out the other half of Gongaga too (kind of want to do a silly one in Wutai or elsewhere; Yuffie sees how they keep sharing the bed and is like "HEY, I GET A TURN /shoves on to share the bed with Aerith" with the other two women all YUFFIE THE BED IS NOT THAT BIG)

Anyway! For now, onward. Someday I will work perfectly sequentially on a project, but it helps that this does pretty much adhere to canon until Tifa is stabbed.

***

For once Tifa had a bed of her own.

Which meant, for once, she couldn't sleep, and had to conclude ruefully that Cait Sith's contacts were too good. The moment AVALANCHE had found out about the broken tram stranding them at the Gold Saucer, the cat robot had bounded off to inform the haunted hotel's employees they were staying the night. To the entirely exhausted party's fortune, there was a smaller crowd than usual--he'd been able to wheedle their way into three rooms, making it possible for everyone to have the rare treat of a separate bed.

Tifa had gotten much too used to a shared one. Usually, Aerith would be lying opposite her. With both their bodies giving off heat, they would only need one blanket to feel warm, if any at all. Two grown women on a mattress meant for two children or one adult could be a bit crowded sometimes, and Aerith would sleep in different positions--curled on her side like a child, or flat on her back with hands one over the other, oddly composed--but they always managed to fit. And she rarely ever turned her face away, making it easy for words to flow between them until the fatigue of their bodies fully caught up with their minds... making it easy for Tifa to catch glimpses of her friend's face at rest, calm and beautiful.

It was funny how traveling together could create such sudden bonds. ...No, that wasn't quite right. Their group had formed bonds traveling together, but in this particular case, for this particular feeling--it wasn't safe to say it was mutual, the impulse to invite Aerith to share a bed even though they each had their own, just to feel her warmth, her hand. To open the door to feeling something more...

Tifa sighed at herself, burying her face further in the blanket. That was flat out wrong, and not just because Yuffie was also staying in the room. Aerith liked Cloud. For that matter, she liked Cloud too. ..."Like" was a really lame way to describe it. She loved him, the boy who had so earnestly promised to become her hero. She'd kept that memory with him in her heart for so, so long... After... everything that had happened, she'd had to become her own hero, protect herself, but she'd still held stars dear in spite of living in the Midgar slums, where you were lucky to catch a glimpse of just one through a slit in the plate. There'd been other guys, guys who flirted with her and seemed alright, girls too; alcohol loosened tongues quite a bit and Tifa had heard more than one drunk confession that had given her food for thought. But even the ones she'd found attractive, or maybe simply similar to Cloud...they just hadn't compared to the power of that memory.

And Aerith--she wasn't like Cloud at all. How could she be attracted to both of them? If anything, they were polar opposites.

Though not so opposite they couldn't find anything in common between themselves. That much was obvious. Cloud had clicked so quickly with Aerith, and opened up like he hadn't with anyone else of AVALANCHE or even her up until then. Really--they'd started talking about a date when everyone was locked in jail cells! Aerith just had that light in her that Cloud seemed to soak right up, and there were moments between them where Tifa could see them creating a world of their own. A world she hadn't been invited to, and didn't know how to put a foot in. Aerith was so strong in looking to the future, and Cloud so set in moving forward, she felt like she was always two steps behind either of them, slowed by worry and indecision.

She couldn't even decide who she really wanted to be with. If she couldn't make up her mind, of course they'd leave her behind. Because, they knew, didn't they...?

If she could only make a choice--

"Aerith." The name burst out, quiet but urgent, as Tifa swung her legs out over the edge of the bed and sat up. She didn't know what she'd say next. Actually inviting her friend to share the bed wasn't a serious idea when she didn't even know if Aerith liked girls.

But when Tifa was answered with the click of the handle in the door, her next words became irrelevant. Her mouth slowly closed as she looked at Aerith's empty bed. Where was she going? ...Probably the bathroom... well, this way there was time to think about it, right? Maybe it was a bad idea to say anything to Aerith. Cloud had been her love much longer... and if something really was wrong with him, then she had to be there by his side.

Even if he didn't quite match up to her memory, either.

There was a rumble of fake thunder and a knock--not on their door, too muffled. One door to the right, though, which meant it was still one of their group's rooms. Tifa strained her ears as the door opened, but soon enough she could hear Aerith's humored giggle and relaxed. She was worrying too much. They were staying the night because the tram was broken, of course Shinra wouldn't be able to bother them tonight.

But who was Aerith visiting at this hour?

"A daa~aate!" Aerith's voice gaily sang out. "Or haven't you ever been on one?"

Tifa's breath caught, because there was only one person Aerith could possibly be asking to accompany her for a date. A lump rose in her throat.

No. No, no, no...

Cloud's voice was much milder, but it was still audible through the wall between the adjoining rooms, even if Tifa couldn't pick out the individual words. It didn't seem like an objection though, as Aerith's voice could be heard again, telling him to hurry up. This time the man's voice rose sharply--"Hey!"--but the protest was only a token one; Tifa could still hear two sets of footsteps leaving the room.

And then both rooms fell silent except for Yuffie's snoring. Tifa took her eyes from the door her friend had left through, looking flatly at the fake stone of the dungeon-themed room and trying to pick out any gaps or imperfections. To distract herself. To not think about it, how Aerith would likely...

Bit by bit, lure out the gentler Cloud.

Her hands gripped the crisply starched sheets tightly. They were going to leave her behind, because she hadn't made up her mind quickly enough.

...When had she gotten so scared of being left alone? But it didn't seem that unreasonable with everything that had happened. The little bit of home she'd scratched out for herself in Sector Seven had been buried under tons of steel, and they were all wanted by Shinra. Find Sephiroth and stop whatever his plan was--that sounded incredible, with Cloud just managing to somehow make it seem possible. Even if they pulled that off...would the group stay together? For how long? Everyone was looking for something different, and some days it seemed like they could split up just as easily and go their separate ways. Cloud most of all, in spite of past promises. Maybe Aerith could keep up with him, but...

Her head was starting to hurt a bit and she shook her head, annoyed and dismayed to find tears starting to spring up. She was being stupid, letting fear get ahead of her. Even if she didn't know what was in the future, even if they all split up and Cloud and Aerith vanished on the wind, she'd have Barret. They'd been friends for so long now, she knew she could stay with him if she needed to. There was no need to be scared. Not having a home and being unlucky in love didn't make her the fifteen-year-old who'd woken up in Midgar without anyone all over again.

"Ah." Tifa gritted her teeth and fell back against the mattress, pressing her palms to her closed eyes. Fear or grief, she didn't know what she was feeling and she didn't care, she just wanted it to go away. She blindly clutched the blanket and dragged it over her. It was night, it was late, she was tired and letting her thoughts run away; she could deal with her best friend and first (only?) love loving each other in the morning. It would look so much better; she might even forget to feel left out. She forced herself to take herself deep breaths and gradually, all too slowly, fell to sleep.

"Tifa! Tifa--I need to tell you--"

No. Aerith needed to go away before she got punched. Tifa screwed her eyes more tightly shut, not sure how long she'd been asleep but feeling like it'd been mere minutes; instead of well-rested, she felt even worse. A little on the dehydrated side, and far and away on the cranky side with Aerith being so worked up--the woman was even shaking her shoulder. Was she that excited from the date? Tifa was sure she couldn't bear to hear any of it. She turned her head further into the pillow, hoping Aerith would get the hint. She was asleep, she was too tired, not until morning. She could be happy for her friends in the morning.

The shaking stopped, but Aerith's hand stayed, and from the shifting of the mattress it seemed like the woman was only getting closer. Tifa reluctantly opened her eyes a pinch to see Aerith staring at her without any ounce of the expected joy on her normally happy face, only worry and concern. "Tifa... what's wrong?"

She blinked and felt two weak tears come loose--damn it--and Aerith was already sliding into the space she'd unthinkingly left open on the bed as she murmured, "Nothing. Bad dream..."

She tried to smile at Aerith, but Aerith frowned and drew her closer. Tifa tensed at the first touch of fingers brushing her bangs back, but the sweeping motion was gentle and calming. "'Nothing', really?"

"You know, we have our own beds tonight," Tifa pointed out. Calming fingers did not mean she was ready to be questioned on her messy feelings.

"Doesn't mean we can't share. Do you want me to get off?"

"Um..." Aerith hitched her eyebrows. "...stop that. No, you can stay. But it really wasn't anything serious. Just silly worries."

Maybe Aerith was just sharing the bed because she looked like a big baby right now, but still, her friend was here. Maybe it wasn't love, but she wouldn't be left behind. She just needed to start believing that.

"You want to talk about it?"

"...Didn't you have something to tell me?" Somewhat calmer now, Tifa could recognize Aerith hadn't actually sounded happy in waking her up. She'd just assumed the energy was out of excitement; Aerith wasn't the kind to throw herself pity parties for a date gone sour, so what else could it be?

As Tifa looked up at the brunette, this time she was sure: Aerith was upset herself. She still had yet to smile. "It can wait until morning," Aerith said, meeting Tifa's gaze. "Middle of the night, the best thing to do is sleep."

"I'm fine, Aerith. Tell me."

"...Alright. Cloud and I, we were, well--we found out who was the spy. Is," she corrected herself unhappily.

Tifa's crimson eyes had already widened and she quickly sat up in bed, half-guiltily looking over to Yuffie--still asleep in her bed, so certainly not her, for all the trickery back in Wutai. She looked at Aerith again and quietly demanded: "Who?"

"Cait Sith. He gave Tseng the Keystone. At the chocobo racing platform, the tram's still broken or at least that's what he says, Tseng was in a helicopter. ...And--Marlene--"

"--Marlene? What's she got to do with this?"

"She shouldn't," Aerith bit out, anger flashing across her expression before she shook her head. "...She was kidnapped by his operator. The demand is that Cait Sith stays with us."

No wonder Aerith hadn't changed out of her date outfit. Tifa didn't think either of them would be getting much sleep tonight.

So much for thinking Shinra couldn't touch them right now.

Comments

[raaj]

Haha, ideas do like to crowd.

I kind of want to make Aerith's feelings for Tifa a gradually increasing thing...strangely enough part of me wants to put the actual realization at the strangest place of in the fallout of their argument, with Aerith figuring out just why it hurts so much. (...That really doesn't make it feel better, either...)

There's still other potential chapters though...trying to figure out how it might go. ...And I was about to do a "potential" outline here before realizing it was getting waaay too long, lmfao. Basically there's easy opportunities for at least seven sections and so far I'm actually only sure about doing four, (the first shared night, Gongaga, Wutai, and date night through to the altar), which seems really short now that I list them out like that soooo yeah. There will probably be other scenes added in and that might add a way to get Aerith thinking earlier on/set up to have her realize later on (tempting to do one after Cosmo Canyon where Aerith's still sad about being the last Ancient, then confesses to feeling a bit guilty--she's long wanted to eventually have a child and partly so she wouldn't be the only one, even though she knows that isn't a good reason, and that gets them talking about families and tangenting into love).

(and to connect to the discussion of fan-games, more of him while working for Shinra could be interesting - or just seeing how he copes day-in, day-out with the less then wonderful people he's working with (...the hopefully humorous sequence where the Turks drag him out drinking))

...this made me think of a fairly simple flash game--"Every Day The Same Dream". You play an office worker who every day goes to work in his cubicle and has a soulless existence both at work and at home. In the elevator of his apartment building is a lady who tells him that if he takes five steps, he will become a new person. It's very simple and almost automatic to just do the normal routine of getting him to his job... the actual game is finding the "five steps" of ways he can break the routine and do something else, even if it's simply in his dreams. That game becomes morbid (three of the steps are innocent, but one is finding a cemetery, another jumping off the office building--for every step you take the company's progress is shown to decline, and once you've done all five every other person will be absent from the surroundings--even the elevator lady--until you go back to the office roof. There the music stops and you see an employee standing on the ledge ready to jump as you did in a previous dream. All you can do is approach him until he jumps and the game itself resets) but it's kind of funny to think of a game with Reeve where doing the routine is easy and the game is to try to throw a wrench in things without getting him in too much trouble.

As for the rest of what will be the final bit of "Sleeping Arrangements"... I think it's mostly a matter of writing it, now!

[sanctum_c]

So many ideas... so many other distractions. I could do everything if I didn't have that pesky job thing.

Hmm... I do like the idea of Aeris' feelings being a gradually increasing thing; it has a kind of right feel for them to have gotten to a point where Aeris is invested, but hasn't ever stepped back to think of how she feels objectively. She's been too close for too long, and gotten so very used to physical intimacy (with the Sleeping Arrangements of the title) that she doesn't realise she feels so strongly about Tifa. ...I can see the rationale of putting the realisation at that point, and that makes sense that if hurting so much worse then she would have expected leads to her examining things more closely... and yeah its not going to help her feel better, but is going to spur her to repair the breach as fast as possible (though I'd expect Aeris to do that regardless)

Hooray for potential other chapters! The existing four don't seem too bad time-wise. They feel largely spread equidistantly across that stage of the journey/storyline. But... more sounds good to read (so I may be slightly biased). One at Cosmo Canyon like that sounds interesting - I haven't seen many fics which actually pick up on how Aeris' feelings about being the last Cetra/the possibility that she feels she should have a child to perpetuate her line (usually things get side-tracked into pre-destined sacrifice which is frustrating most of the time). And I like the idea she has always contemplated having a child - and definitely that this is not the reason she should be considering it really. And the lead into families and love sounds good (and presumably steering clear of that sort-of crackfic idea where Tifa and Aeris sit Cloud down to ask him to help one or both of them conceive a child (unlike the fempreg one where they have to admit Aeris has gotten Tifa pregnant...)).

I shall have a look for the flash-game you mentioned - though yeah, that sounds pretty morbid... BUt as a basis for Reeve, I can see that. And I like the idea of figuring out how to throw the wrench in without causing too much trouble for him.

Hooray! And good luck with writing the remainder. Always happy to read more of it.

[raaj]

I think I also just want to play around with both the kind of--alternating interpretations of Aerith, her being so knowledgeable about relationships, her being fresh-faced and innocent... she's had one more dating relationship than Cloud and Tifa. That really isn't saying much!! So it's just... easy to see her kind of worldly about relationships in one way, with Midgar exposing her to all sorts of things, and once she knows what she wants she's determined to get it... and yet at the same time being "the last Cetra" has set her far apart from others emotionally, and she pined over Zack for so long that even as she's accepting of bisexuality it never totally clicked for her that she might be bisexual until she's in deep over her best friend. And now her best friend is mad at her and oh god noooooo.

That said I will probably have to watch my characterization of Aerith a bit as I know I tend to trip off to my own extremes, lmfao. Probably inevitable when you've thought about one character long enough.

Well--that's actually a good point, that they're spread out pretty equally. It just seemed sparse to me. I'll probably just have to write out the scenes, then see what's missing/what other threads could be picked up on. ffffffffffff I never like the predestined sacrifice thing at Cosmo Canyon. If she learned she was the last Cetra and that she was going to die there I would expect her to be all "BUT I WANTED A FUTURE :(" not "I'M ALL ALONE :("; to me it just seems obvious she feels alone because all the other Cetra are dead and she's going to keep living even if it's as the last one. And...haha, yes, to get off a potential rant, yes the Cosmo Canyon will steer plenty clear of Aerith musing how to ask Cloud to help her conceive--though it might solidify Tifa's view that Aerith is never going to be looking for a relationship with another girl since Aerith really seems to want a biological child.

Hopefully I will get more of it done soon! Admittedly I kind of squandered today fiddling around with my writing program/reacquainting myself with the bells and whistles rather than writing... er, well actually I have like three different programs for text documents; xPad, textedit and Scrivener. Textedit I don't use too much, mostly for storing documents, xPad is where I tend to tuck in a lot of different little things I'm working on at the moment because it lets you switch between documents easily as they're all "open" and this is where I was originally writing out all of Sleeping Arrangements, except in one document (the number of documents in the notepad is already a silly amount)--then everything was breaking up into way too many scenes to scroll through the thing easily so I moved it all to Scrivener, which actually is designed for novel-writing projects and such (and is much too fun to play with). So. Yes. Need to stop fiddling with the bells and whistles and just write more (kind of want to go through everything and take notes/edit first though...but that's probably more of my fiddling talking, ahaha.)

[sanctum_c]

I like that idea of alternating the interpretations of Aeris; she does give that impression of being knowledgable about relationships while still being quite innocent about all kinds of things - and yep, only one more dating relationship then Cloud or Tifa. (I have this idea that Aeris might be really intrigued about relationships and what one would get up to, but has never found anyone she like she did about Zack before meeting Cloud and Tifa. So now she's entertaining new ideas). So, yeah, I can see if being really easy for her to seem wordly about relationships with living near Wall Market and Midgar in general. And I like that aspect that being the last Cetra does set her apart, and the accepting bisexuality without really considering what's happened until she's in deep and her would be girlfriend is furious (poor Aeris, but I know it will turn out for the best!)

I can see the chapters feeling a little sparse, but then at some areas there aren't as other decent way-points. Random thought that just occured as I was thinking you could do a Nibelheim set chapter... and then I realised you have that short fic about Aeris kissing Cloud while he's asleep - which as much as I remember it feels like it could fit in for a more overt indicator of Aeris liking Cloud...

Ah, not to worry, I don't like the pre-determined sacrifice ever; depressing, OOC for Aeris and just doesn't seem right in terms of saving the world. And yeah if she did learn (as several fics imply) that she was going to die, I do think she'd protest that/live more eagerly - not just say she's alone. Heh - probably best to steer clear of the Cloud helping her conceive; but that is a potentially good way to make the relationship ambiguous for a while with Tifa assuming Aeris will start looking for a way to continue the line - she may have thought/been told she was the last Cetra, but it seems like before that she was never certain. So... yeah I can see Tifa reckoning even if Aeris was interesting in a relationship with another girl, its likely not a priorty for her...

Ah - I've done that with my word processing thigns before now and just wound up fiddling. Scrivener sounds (and looks) like a very interesting program - not entirely reliable on my OS at the moment (I'm on Linux), but I don't think I have anything geared towards writing in that way... I usually use something called gedit (after abandoning it as something went wrong with the theme and it looked terrible. But I couldn't find another text editor with tabs and word counts and loads of other little things I keep using. And then I got it to look nice again so I returned). xPad sounds really handy with that part about all the documents being 'open'.

[raaj]

(I have this idea that Aeris might be really intrigued about relationships and what one would get up to, but has never found anyone she like she did about Zack before meeting Cloud and Tifa. So now she's entertaining new ideas).

Ahaha, it's just about this for me! I see Aerith as having a bit of guardedness, even as she's friendly to others, so it takes a certain kind of connection to really make her think "I want to be with this person. She thought about it and she might have looked at the end of her letters to Zack, but she didn't find anyone who left an impression like Zack had.

...It's kind of funny, but I never worried about showing that Aerith loves Cloud. I suppose it's because I was focused on Tifa's pov and she has that thought... Not sure about using the sleeping kiss at that timepoint, but I'll have to think about the two of them some more (and do have to admit I was wondering earlier if Cloud was present enough in this--as the titled sleeping arrangements are mostly Tifa and Aerith together, or they end up dominating when Cloud is present too. although it is actually planned that the scene with Cloud and Tifa are going to be them resting...not with, but by each other. so maybe something with Cloud and Aerith would be good).

I only used Linux a bit at college. Never really got the hang of it...gedit looks nice though--simple and flexible.

[sanctum_c]

I do really like that view of Aeris - that desire for a real connection to realise she really wants to be with someone (I think you articulated that much more effectively). I can really see when she reluctantly gave up hope on Zack returning that she did look and found no one, and I just like the implication that she is so keen to be around Cloud and Tifa as she does feel that connection.

Ah, good point; since so much is from Tifa's POV and she's worrying about the other two and what they feel. Hmm... debatable point about Cloud's presence; and yeah it is focusing more on the Aeris and Tifa (though I have really enjoyed all the scenes so far) - intrigued on the Cloud and Tifa resting scene though. And it would make sense to balance that with a scene of Aeris and Cloud...

Looking forward to reading it however it turns out though!

Linux is a bit of an odd thing to use regularly (at first) - and takes some getting used to. Amusingly I have Windows as well to be able to play games when they come out; it's usable possible to get them working after a while, but sometimes I'm just get too eager (especially with things like Portal 2 and BioShock Infinite where there was increasing risk of spoilers everywhere).

Oddly managed to find a version of Scrivener that runs after that as well; and I really can see the appeal - spent far too long fiddling to put the various parts of 'The Fire Dancer' into it with the notes... Looks to be a really neat way to keep multiple drafts of chapters and the life close to hand...